The Littsint anger management material builds on and uses the cognitive therapy method. “Cognitive” means thinking, and cognitive therapy is concerned with the power thoughts can have over our emotions and how we perceive the choices we have for how to act. The ABC model is widely used in cognitive therapy to help people work systematically on changing behaviour by clarifying the relationship between situation (A), thought (B) and emotion (C). Parents train their ability to be open to different interpretations (B) of the situation with the child (A), become more aware of negative thoughts about themselves and the child (B), and gain better control of the resulting emotions (C).
The Littsint anger management tool aims to help parents become more aware of the negative thoughts they have about themselves and their child, so that they can challenge these thoughts, change how they feel and access more desirable ways of behaving. By using Littsint, parents will be able to practise gaining more control of their own emotions and thus create a better and more predictable day-to-day life for themselves and their children.
Exercise:
- When you recognise a negative thought (B) in Littsint, stop what you’re doing and give yourself a few seconds to register what is happening.
- Recognising a negative thought stops you moving directly from the situation (A) to the emotion (C).
- Ask yourself whether the negative thought (B) is true. Retrieve an alternative thought (B) about the child (white stick) and an alternative and truer thought (B) about yourself. What effect does this have on your emotions (C) and sense of mastering the situation (A)?
Most parents find that anger feels like something that comes over them suddenly, and that they move directly from a situation where the child doesn’t answer (A), for example, to the emotion of anger (C). The first challenge in starting to master anger is to realise that anger doesn’t just come over us suddenly – there is always an interpretation (B) of a situation (A) that explains an emotion (C).
When we’re angry, we lose our creativity and peripheral vision. It’s like being in a tunnel where it’s difficult to turn around, and we take in little new information from our surroundings. All our focus is on the negative thoughts we have about ourselves or the child. When our body reacts to anger or irritation, the negative thoughts about ourselves or the child are perceived as true.
Thinking that a child who doesn’t answer is disrespectful (B) will arouse an emotion (C). Thinking that the child is concentrating on something else (B) and has good powers of concentration will arouse a different emotion (C). When we become more aware that we always have a choice in how we interpret situations, we can master our own emotions better. To illustrate this, do the “white stick” exercise in the menu.
The point of the exercise is to show that a new interpretation (B) of a situation (A) leads to a different emotion (C) in just a few seconds. The new interpretation arouses caring and a desire to help, instead of anger and a desire to punish/kick out. The question is: which “white sticks” or alternative interpretations (B) of the situation (A) can you give to your child? The commonest “white sticks” are thinking about the child’s age (B) and that he/she is doing what most children of the same age do (B).
Better anger management is about training yourself to be less self-critical and practising new ways of interpreting the child’s actions. It doesn’t happen all by itself but has to be trained over time in situations with the child.
Imagine that you are standing in a queue, and someone comes from behind and kicks you hard in the lower leg (A). Before you turn around and see who is behind you, what thoughts do you have (B)? Which emotions are activated (C)? What do you feel in your body? What do you want to do? Spend 2 minutes thinking about your answers before reading on.
When you turn around, you see a blind man with a white stick, who has bumped into you. Ask yourself the same 4 questions again. Spend 2 minutes thinking about your answers before reading on. How do your thoughts and emotions change, and why?
The vast majority of the 800 parents on whom the Littsint material is based say that they would have got angry/scared (C), and that their heart would beat faster and their body react before they turned around. The commonest thought is to think “who’s that idiot kicking me?” (B) and want to kick back.
When they turn around and see the white stick (A), the commonest alternative thought is “he’s blind and didn’t do it deliberately” (B). The new thought makes the heart calm down in just a few seconds. The vast majority quickly change from feeling anger/fear to compassion (C). They feel sorry for the blind man and want to help him.
The point of the exercise is to show that a new interpretation (B) of a situation (A) leads to a different emotion (C) in just a few seconds. The new interpretation arouses caring and a desire to help, instead of anger and a desire to punish/kick out. The question is: which “white sticks” or alternative interpretations (B) of the situation (A) can you give to your child? The commonest “white sticks” are thinking about the child’s age (B) and that he/she is doing what most children of the same age do (B).
The Littsint anger management tool aims to help parents to become more aware of the negative thoughts they have about themselves and their child, so that they can challenge these thoughts, change how they feel and access more desirable ways of behaving. The material is based on cognitive therapy, which is concerned with our inner conversation with ourselves and the power negative thoughts can have over our emotions and the choices we make about how to behave.
On the start page, you can select the age of the child. Once you have done this, you will see a circle with a yellow arrow that moves and a red start/stop button. The text that appears shows the 6 commonest negative thoughts parents have immediately before getting angrier than they would like with their child. Tapping the red button twice shows you the 3 commonest alternative thoughts that help parents to stay calm in the situation with the child. Tapping the red button twice again shows you a more detailed explanation of the alternative thoughts.
Breaking negative thought patterns and creating a sense of mastering emotions need practice. Under “Homework” in the menu, you will find suggestions for exercises you can use in everyday situations with your children.
The video clips in the e-book provide more information on the cognitive therapy method used in Littsint. The e-book can be downloaded free of charge from littsint.no.